Here to refocus
10:23am
I know I am making progress on my (slowly) releasing my addiction to turning to fast food for emotional solace and comfort. The percentage of times that I leave my home to go out and buy drive through food is lower than it has been in over 20 years. Even at home, when particular emotions surface that are far from pleasant, I often (not always) turn to other tools like EFT and Abe's focus wheel to deal with them. Sometimes I just give myself the instruction to just cry it out and wallow as deep into the emotion as possible to fully express it and I visualize that after the tears start feeling like they are done flowing, I picture a healing white light from God coming down and holding and healing me as the "now-released" emotions drain out of me to the floor.
That's progress. *I am reminding myself of this and it was spoken in my head with a question mark at the end*
So why am I still this fat? Jeez, I eat raw fruits and veggies and green juice so much more often than ever before. I know I still eat some bad SAD foods, but shouldn't there be some change physically??? Do I have to eat 100% all raw or count calories to make progress on the scale? Am I delusional? Am I eating less healthy food than I think I am? I am only comparing it to what I used to eat which was drive-through food daily and SAD food 100%. I am not exercising a ton, I just do my treadmill 4-5 times a week to keep my legs in operating order and my knees from having pain.
I am MUCH MUCH less depressed than I used to be. I am MUCH happier more of the time now. I guess I was deluded by thinking that if I got myself overall happier, that weight would just come off on its own. What about all those commercials that talk about cortisol being a a stress hormone that adds fat?? I have lowered my stress and reactions and depression a ton compared to the old me. Doesn't that count? Doesn't all the raw food and green juice that I AM consuming count for anything?? Shouldn't the scale be down at least 10-20 pounds over this time? I thought that me stopping eating frankenfoods and making everything at home from scratch (ok, 80-90% of everything I eat) would make a change on the scale??
Ok, refocus... not eating frankenfoods HAS changed your moods and depression for the better - a LOT. No, a TON. I do not walk around thinking how much easier it would be if I just died and got it all over with.(I think that thought is partially why I subconsciously made myself so very very fat, I was on a covert suicide mission). And now, if those thoughts come up I stop them and refocus within seconds or minutes. That is progress. Another plus, being as fat as I am, I have not had a heart attack or stroke yet and I am still mobile even though it IS a struggle to get up and move this huge body. I am NOT driving around in a hover-round thing, I can still walk. I do still mow my own backyard even if I have to take a couple sit down breaks. I do still go outside everyday to throw the frisbee for the dogs. I am making progress on my paying for this bankruptcy lawyer and after that I will do the same for whatever I owe for taxes that the accountant finds out I owe after we straighten all that out. After that is done, I will be debt free. That hasn't happened since the mid 1980's.
So, yes, I have made progress. And yes, I am slowly learning that I don't have to be or do or work 5 jobs to be worthy and deserving of love or happiness. That is going to take a while, but at least now I am aware of it and working on it. And yes, changes made slowly are supposed to be the ones that stick since they are lifestyle changes.
So why the F haven't I lost weight???
Well I certainly circled that wagon train around in a circle again...
I keep thinking that I should eat my raw foods and then give myself a calorie amount that I can eat in cooked foods each day. It would start me on paying more attention to what I am actually putting in. I wouldn't count the raw foods, but if I did choose to eat cooked foods, I would have to write down what they were, amounts, and calories and keep that to say 500 or so a day. Basically raw food equals free foods since 100% raw is what I am aiming at.
Who am I kidding? I won't stick to that. I don't even make it in here everyday to write out whatever I am feeling and that is why I did this. How the heck did the truckdriver who weighed over 400 pounds in "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" movie do it and do veggie juice for 60 plus days? What is wrong with ME? Was he at a higher level of fear and impending doom than me? Must have been. Why can he do it and I can't even make it on juice a whole day? Am I really that weak willed? Am I really lacking in that much willpower, self control and motivation? Apparently so. What level of rock bottom do I need to hit to get there? Apparently I am not alone in this since like half of America is fat. And yes, I am still consuming some frankenfoods, salad dressing and condiments are my worst offenders. Cheese and meat are also on my list of "not able to give up yet". I haven't healed my emotional eating enough to let go of those yet. It's like they are the last bastions of my ties to fast foods even if I am fixing them at home.
Isn't my eyesight worth making these changes? It is getting worse and my soul tells me that if I drop some serious weight it will get better. My blood sugar runs pretty darn well most of the time, but this tiny-boned slender body inside of this huge one I am in right now ( no, I don't have big bones for an excuse) is not ok at 350 pounds.
I now have a headache... I ran out of my cholesterol and thyroid meds yesterday and I think that drug withdrawal that is giving me a headache. I do have enough blood pressure meds for at least 3 months which is good. I just don't want to spend the $250-$300 it would take to go to the doctor, have blood work run, and get new prescriptions right now. I am also telling myself that the recent news says statin drugs contibute do diabetes. I am very borderline diabetes, if I stop the stain will it get better? Am I in fear about this? Yes. Am I trying to scare myself into eating all raw? Maybe. See? If you ate all raw you wouldn't need those meds just like the truckdriver in the movie didn't when he went all raw. But I need to save that money to pay off the lawyer!! Jeez I mended holes in my underwear to not spend money and I stay home most of the time to not have to buy gas or be tempted to buy anything. I have never been this frugal in my whole life.
Heck last week, I had a tire on my vehicle that went flat 3 days in a row (and this is after having it patched 3 x in the last 6 months) and I got tired of reinflating it if I wanted to drive (thank God that I have an air compressor, seriously). And I really didn't want my 350 pound body to have to change a tire and put on the spare even if I do know how. So I found a place in my very poor neighborhood that sells used tires and I bought one and now I have a new-used tire and I can drive again. I am getting dang great at this being frugal and spending very little money thing. I even got happy about having a new-used tire. That is progress on my being able to appreciate what I do have. Yes it is.
Anyway, I need to get to work. Must keep money coming in. Do I feel better now? Not really. Do I at least recognize that I have made progress? Yes I do. Ok, better, yes. Do I want to go juice the greens I have in my fridge even if I add apples to it? No.
Crap.
Can’t sleep
4:23 am Can't sleep. Wanna know why? Because idiot here had a binge of Mexican food yesterday afternoon. I've been up since somewhere around 2 am laying in bed, listening to what normally soothes the heck out of me, a lovely thunderstorm, and not enjoying it one single bit. It wasn't even GOOD Mexican food, it was from a local drive through taqueria that I KNEW was loaded with MSG before I ate it. What am I a sado-masochist?? And the horrible angry mood is tied directly to the MSG for me. That and the burning throat from so much reflux, even after taking 2 OTC meds.
Money I didn't need to be spending. Especially when I'm going through bankruptcy and the fears of not having enough to pay my bills while I'm paying on the lawyer and accountant fees is slowly going by. And the only thoughts racing through my head is the anger at my recent client (who honestly has been very nice & good to me). I have put in so so many extra hours I am not getting paid for and I don't know why I'm not getting the traffic I should be getting to their site - dang Google Penguin update.
Anyway, I am also perplexed by my own sickness and addiction to comfort food that is not only bad for me but is pain and horrible-mood inducing. WTH is wrong with me?? I KNOW better!! I had had two 26 oz. glasses of extremely-healthy-for-my-body green juice yesterday and my addiction simply took over. I think MSG should just be called crack or something that tells more of what it is.
I am doing my best to get my LOA studies to kick in here at this step one moment.
What's done is done. The only thing I can do now is reach for better thoughts, make more green juice today and carry on. I know better. And stop beating yourself up. That is not going to attract better things to you. You do know better, isn't that a good thing? Yes. You do have this blog to vent out on and then get your head back on straight. You can do your NLP process on the Mexican food you ate and add it to the already done ones like Taco Bell everything and Burger King's Whopper. There, that's a better thought. How long has it been since you had Taco Bell? How long has it been since you had a Whopper?
Last Taco Bell: Jan. 7th, 2011
Last Burger King Whopper: April 13th, 2012
There! That's progress! See? And see how even now your thoughts are in a better place? Can you get yourself even one step higher on the emotional scale? Yes. Plus, remember, you don't have to DO anything to be worthy and deserving. You just are, quit measuring your worth by what you do, self. What would Abraham say?
"Your choices of action may be limited, but your choices of thought are not."
The old me wouldn't even be aware that I could choose different thoughts. See? Progress. The old me would be depressed. I am not. I am aware that I have made big changes even if I am angry or on edge right now. I am human. Even Esther has step one moments. Can I appreciate the gifts that this contrast is giving me right now? Nope, a bit too far to reach this second. But better now? Yes. Look at that, a few minutes of typing to refocus and better. Impressed with yourself even a tiny bit? Maybe : )
Feel better? Yes. Able to go back to bed and sleep now? Maybe not. I could just get some work done... we'll see.
Green Juice ahoy
12:31pm Quick update - I am now drinking 26 oz. ( I measured it) of green juice I made last night. It's pretty good. Nice and fresh feeling inside and out. I juiced everything green in my fridge except the lettuce and came out with 1.5 gallons of green juice. Spinach, kale, many cucumbers, granny smith apples, ginger, 4 bunches of parsley, and some pears. This batch has much less apples and sweet than normal, it is very green tasting and very pulpy. I probably should have cleaned out the juicer in between things but I was doing good just to stand up that long and do all that. Some of the kale is even out of my own 83 year-old father's garden. He's 83, not the garden.
I have the juice all in airtight pitchers and I am going to see how much of it I can drink today. Wouldn't it be great if I could just stick to this the rest of the day? My habitual negative thoughts say "no" but I am keeping my hopes up.
Sheesh!! I must admit, the very second I thought the thought that I would do all raw juice the rest of the day, my cooked-food cravings popped up... must tap on that.
1:11pm I must add that as I sit here drinking this green juice, there is a good feeling that I am doing something really good for my body. Like this can help heal me. Nice thing to think.
EFT helping me today
11:18am I'm sitting here eating fresh blueberries and a little raw agave dumped into a container of lowfat cottage cheese. It's actually pretty good. I like cottage cheese best inside a super ripe cantaloupe. I suppose it's progress that I am even enjoying this and I do "think" the protein (because of media brainwashing that you MUST have PROTEIN! *spoken sarcastically with emphasis*) will stick with me for a while. Plus even the lowfat cottage cheese has that nice texture that feels like it has fat and real cheese in it, at least to me.
How much protein DO we really need in a day? I do know that we can get protein from raw veggies, nuts and seeds rather than the S.A.D. sources which many people seem to think are the only ways. According to this site, we need .4 grams of protein for each pound of weight. That means I should be eating 140 grams? Seems awfully high. Today I weigh 350.2 pounds.
So with what I'm eating now, I am getting about 24 grams so far. A regular weight person of 150 pounds would need 60 grams in a day. I wonder how many grams are in my raw foods? That site says protein in veggies, nuts, seeds and legumes ( I hate that word!) is "incomplete" and each of these needs to be consumed with another to complete the protein. It also recommends soy, which after all I learned is something I REALLY want to avoid. I seem to remember a body builder who ate all raw, and Alissa Cohen eats all raw and she has great muscles and doesn't look like she is lacking in any nutrients. I must research... Now this sounds much more to my liking, this raw food site says we need 25-30 grams. I choose to believe them instead of mainstream media & USDA. Ha. Another raw food site says " All raw foods, even fruits contain protein although greens, sprouts, nuts, and seeds will have the highest levels of protein."
Ha! USDA. I think you are sold out anyway to big business and politicians. My goodness I am on a soap box this week.
This isn't even what I came in here to say. *shiny object syndrome*
I came in here to type that I have already used EFT tapping 3 times this morning to help myself. Once at waking up like normal. Then again twice to let go of some anger at myself for agreeing to do a simple logo for a 1-hour set price and not explaining that if it went over an hour's time it would be billed by the hour. Well, 5 hours later and the client ended up with 8 variations and over-responsible ( stupid) me supplied them those 8 in 4 different formats each. I was super mad at myself for thinking so little of myself and my talents and my value. I EFT tapped hard. The dogs left the room. I cried it out and tapped again. No wonder I am so poor now. I have so little value for myself how can anyone else value me if I don't value myself?
And on the other hand, even though I know what I charge hourly is a good normal rate for my skill level, i still doubt myself in it. Ok, what would Abraham say? 17 seconds and I can start a new grid. This is just contrast that is showing you what you do want. Stop paddling upstream. get in the Vortex.
How to get into the Vortex? Well if I can't get there, the EFT helped me to at least get higher on the emotional scale. And hey, I didn't turn to junk food! I AM eating a healthy ( according to SAD) meal. I did do 6 minutes on the treadmill while I visualized and got myself into the Vortex the whole time. I am finding that talking myself through whatever comes up in my EFT is making a difference. Maybe not curing whatever the problem is but helping often it. And, I need to remember, I don't need to DO anything to be worthy, I just am.
Ok, I'm better for sure. Off to work more.
Perigee affecting me?
9:59 am Yes, I know. I only seem to come in here to vent. Well too bad, this is MY blog and I can do what I want. Isn't that THE whole purpose of keeping this anonymous?
Anyway... Saturday night was Perigee ( when the moon comes closest to earth as I understand it) and I magically started a heavy period. I say magically because I keep thinking that I am done with periods. I'm 49, 350-something pounds last I checked and after a spell last year of having a period every single day for 3-4 weeks at a time, then a day to a week's break, then only to repeat the cycle. I thought I was going to be anemic or every once in a while, the hypochondriac side of me suspected something worse, but not having insurance or money to go to a doctor, it was just left to suspicions. Then it stopped all the way. For months. I had grieved some for the children I'll never have, for the family name ending at my generation, for growing old alone with no one younger to care for me. I EFT tapped through all the things that came up. I thought I was done.
Nope.
I know we're 90-something percent water and the moon affects the tides, I would suspect it affects our bodies and organs and brains and chemical processes too. I am flowing like a teenager. There IS still a little part of me that has a battle with "being" a woman being tied to still being fertile or not. Which seems extremely weird for someone who never had the " I love babies" gene. I get that high off puppy breath, but not baby smells like other women I know do. I learned a while back that my Mom doesn't like babies either. Funny, she had 3. Somehow that made me feel better though.
So, it's Monday morning and my to-do list is HUGE and here I sit typing in here. I just took 1/2 a bottle of 5 hour energy to get me off my ass and I have all my green veggies out on the counter to make juice and so I can clean out my fridge a little as it is disgusting. It needs a new seal ( ok, I really just need a new fridge, but that's not happening soon unless I win the lotto).
Since I was last in here, I have not been juicing or eating too much raw. Some, but I'd say 25- 50% max in a day. I have a hard time giving myself credit for the parts I DO do. All I seem to ficus on is the parts I DON'T do. No wonder I am attracting some crappy things... now why am I saying that? I really haven't been attracting too much caca at all. My old brain is just so darn negatively focused and I am a bit crabby. (Blaming it on the moon too).
I woke up and after not sleeping so great because of weird dreams, I was in a yuchy negative focused mood. Took the trash out and then forced myself to do my morning EFT tapping round that I have been doing right when I wake up and right when I go to sleep. It's surprising to me that so many times that I have been tapping away, how much caca thoughts still come up around my feeling worthy and deserving. Why can't I have an instant change?? I managed to have an instant change a few weeks ago when i did Paul Mckenns'a NLP technique for my weekly obsessions with a Whopper from Burger King. I haven't had one since April 15th. Holy crap!!! That is 21 days!!!!! Ok, now I know I shouldn't let external things be the reason to change my mood, but that is incredible!!
I DID have an instant change. See self?? It CAN be done. YOU did that. I am going to go back to my calendar and see how long it has been since I had a Taco Bell since I did that NLP when I first learned about Paul McKenna. I just searched through my bank statements, my emails, and the old archives of this blog. I had Taco Bell on Nov. 24th, 2010, and then again on Jan. 7th, 2011. OMG, that is a YERA and 4 months!!!!! And I just recently re-reinforced the NLP for Taco Bell when I did the same process for BK Whopper since I realized one day when I was in an emo crisis that the THOUGHT of Taco Bell even went through my head as an answer as I was out driving around and went past one.
SEE???!!! You CAN have long lasting and instant results. You CAN allow yourself to see that yes, you HAVE made progress. You know better. You know to focus on what you want and not on what you don't want. It just took a little typing to get me back on track. And while I am at it, do I realize that even though I am still eating a large percentage of cooked foods, that I AM only eating foods ( well 80-90%) that I am cooking from scratch??? That is a HUGE change. Huge. I do not go out to get comfort food from the drive through hardly ever. And when I do, I don't even consider Taco Bell, KFC and rarely rarely McDonalds. I stop myself because I know how much pain i will be in for days after eating any of those Frankenfoods and what they do for my IBS. Hey!! That is freaking fantastic self!! Doesn't that put you in a better mood automatically!! Yes it does. The thought even went through my head that my IBS is actually my body's warning system ( and so is my acid reflux & MANY of my depressive thoughts) that the "food" I have eaten is jacked up. Only God and their chemists know what is really in those "foods". From GMO to synthetically made-to-create cravings and addictions smells and tastes and MSG effects, so much fast and processed food is really really causing so many things that people just don't even think about. Well, I do. THAT is progress.
And have I noticed that I am in much much less depression since I have been staying more and more away from those foods? Yes. I noticed also that when I drink a Coca Cola that I get moody, teary and all I want is MORE. I am like a human barometer of what to avoid. Hey at least I am for my own body. I don't know if anyone else has the same things I do. But now that I am paying so much more attention to the signs in myself, I am much more aware of how foods affect me. Yes, I am still occasionally eating some processed foods, but it is getting less and less. ASnd yes, I am still eating toom uch S.A.D. cooked foods than i would ideally want. BUT, self, this is progress.
GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT. You are brave and courageous and smart. You DO attract miraculous things and people. Even going through this bankruptcy has been easier than I thought. The only stresses I have about that is paying off the lawyer and accountant and slowly you ARE paying that down. There is light at the end of this tunnel and YOU made it self. See?
You get this cleared up and wrapped up and next you can take some of this new found respect and care for yourself and maybe take better care of your body? like in dropping some weight? Even just getting into the 200's would make you feel incredibly better and able to stand and walk longer. Remember what it felt like to carry in that 50 pound bag of dogfood and how nice it was to put it down? You can do this. One baby step at a time. The above shows that you are making progress. Remember that. Now get to work and keep on finding things to appreciate and love.
I haven't even mentioned it but the EFT tapping I am doing each morning and night has evolved from using one of Brad Yates' MP3s to now I tap and talk myself through it. I start with whatever is bothering me or whatever I feel I should have done or am not doing and tap a round on the negative, then I am actually doing the remaining rounds of tapping like a focus wheel as described by Abraham-Hicks. I start with the neg emotions, then reach for a better feeling thought that I truly can find believable that is also more towards the happier stages of the emotional scale. I tap until I feel lighter and and in a better emotional space. I really like focusing more of my tapping time on installing more positive than releasing negative if that makes sense. Anyway, just in case this might help someone else reads this. i am calling my new process EFT Focus Wheel. It does seem to be helping me.
Avoiding a friend for the company of comfort food instead
3:37pm You know what's weird? I keep whining about being lonely and no one comes out to see me, yet I have a friend ( a male friend of 20 years+ who has seen me at my worst and still loves me) who is coming over to drop something off and I am hiding out in the back of my house. I told him I might not be home and to to leave it at the front door for when I return. A flat out lie.
Why you ask? Last night, again after a day of 85% raw food, I broke down and defrosted a package of hamburger meat and made myself patties and cooked them. I told myself I was doing good since I actually had my purse on my shoulder and was headed out the door to get a frive through burger meal and I realized I may not have enough cash for my end of the month bills.
I can make more excuses and tell you that the plate was 3/4 tomatoes and lettuce and 1/4 meat and condiments, but that's not what this blog is about. It is about telling the truth, well, at least MY truth.
Anyway, I had decided that today I wouldn't change out of my PJs, brush my hair or even shower. And I planned I would lay around watching tv, playing games on the cell phone, all day after doing a couple fast work things and also eat the remaining hamburger patties with more condiments. That was hard to admit and type out but it's the truth.
I made it until noon. I didn't even eat anything till then since the bunless burger I had last night was still sticking with me. Yes, reflux, but not as bad as if I had gone out and gotten a fast food burger. (excuses again...) My friend called to come over and I played possum hiding out like I was't home. I actually preferred lazing around on the couch with my beloved comfort food to the company of a loving friend. That is pitiful. I am still hiding out since I don't know exactly what time he is coming. The house is quiet except for my typing.
I made 5 patties out of the meat, ate 1 last night and 2 today. Cut the other 2 in half and froze them in snack-size ziplocs in the freezer for the next time I crave meat and am trying not to leave the house and eat fast food. I find it odd that it was NOT the cheese I was craving ( I didn't have any left to use since the nacho binge the other night). It wasn't the bun or the fries. The part that sings to me is the meat and the tomatoes and lettuce slathered in either ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo ( or thousand island dressing). I'm starting to wonder if hamburger meat is "enhanced" with more than pink slime? Do they hide MSG in meat too? I KNOW that is is hidden in the condiments, heck, anything that is labeled "spices" or "natural flavorings" equals them hiding the word MSG. I know that MSG is an Excitotoxin and I know that I am highly, highly susceptible and addicted to its effects despite the pain of IBS and reflux it creates inside of me. My poor little neurons are soooo addicted and damaged. I haven't researched it, but I even get blurry vision for a while after eating them.
Here's a good bit of info on MSG & excitotoxins: http://insuranceandwellness.com/Excitotoxins.pdf and http://www.truthinlabeling.org/hiddensources.html and for you fast food and chip addicts like me: http://www.msgexposed.com/category/products-with-msg/
I think most people don't even know that so much of processed foods are laden with this addictive substance. It is kept very hush hush and doesn't have to be listed in the ingredients per the FDA. IMHO, big business & big pharmica-mafia makes so much money off treating our food-created illnesses like reflux, IBS, diabetes, etc. with meds, selling us weightloss products and treating our pscho reactions (to the frankenfoods) with more drugs and therapy. And I'm not even mentioning that much of our produce is sprayed with MSG while in the fields. Like a huge money-making secret conspiracy. OK, stepping down off my soapbox.
Boy, did I ever get off topic there! I don't know though, if it even helps one other fat person who thinks it is just themselves being weak-willed willpower-less human beings like I do, the rant was worth it. I think my eating less and less MSG has also helped with my depression too.
Now don't get me wrong, I take FULL responsibility for each and every bite of food I put into my fat mouth. I am way past obese. And I hate that "trying to be polite" word, just call me fat, it's what I AM. Very very fat. Cut the politically-correct B.S.
Whew... take a deep breath there... can you see how eating all that MSG in the condiments made you pissy? Yes. Very clear. And now I am craving something sweet. Am I the least bit hungry? NO. It's all in my head. Could it be chemical driven? Yes. Do I still feel like a baby for not having complete control over my thoughts and cravings. Always.
Ok, enough ranting... I'm logging off and will do some serious visualization time to get my head in a better, happier, more appreciative place. I don't want to go to the front of the house in case my friend comes and hears me, so the sweet craving is out of luck. Funny, fear is a better motivator than MSG, LOL.
Now holding back the tears, 10 mins later
11:13 I'm just sitting here after putting my to do list together and the tears are welling up. Why am I even trying to diet?? I was actually feeling pretty dang happy most of the time just eating what I wanted and working at putting more raw food and veggies into this machine that carries me around. I WAS feeling very much more balanced and not depressed and not angry, even while going through a bankruptcy. Not all of the time, but the lows were MUCH faster in passing. Like in mere minutes.
My list of to-dos is ridiculous and I feel so much pressure just from that. Hell, bills are coming due in a couple days and I may just barely make those if some checks don't come in fast that are due. I also feel like I am definitely not in any sort of alignment, am resisting all good and money flowing to me, and I am certainly the thing that is not allowing the good to flow to me as Abraham would say. These angry and sad thoughts ARE contrast. This IS a step one moment. This crap IS sending out new rockets of desire to clarify what I DO want. I'm just in my own way. Can I get out of my own way and allow the good stuff to flow from my vortex? Or as they are saying now... can I focus on some things I do want and let the universe fill in my grid with good?
I don't know. Dieting turns me into a mad monster whether I am successful with it or not. Can I talk myself into doing a focus wheel or something today to get me higher on the emotional scale?? All I can get my head around is work, work, work, cheeseburger..except THIS time , a really good one. Oh crap. How can I talk about Law of Attraction and crap in one paragraph?? No wonder I'm not allowing the good stuff to come to me. I'm my own roadblock.
Oh self.. find something to love and appreciate FAST. No matter how small it is, start somewhere. Where are the dogs, they always work for me, who couldn't love those faces and personalities and unconditional love? Must change my focus for better no matter how small..
Unleash the demons
10:39am Yesterday I did so great staying on raw food up until around 7pm. My addictive demons came out and there was no putting them back into their cages. I actually got in my car and drove to Dairy Queen to get a double burger with fries and a large sugar soda. Not only that but I also went to Jack in the Box and got 4 of their mystery "meat" 2 for 99¢ tacos and a chocolate cake. I don't like DQ ice cream if you were wondering... NONE of it was as good as I imagined it would be.
Went home and inhaled it all with extra salt and ketchup and hot sauce - the condiments are one of the best parts. Went to bed propped up since I knew what was coming and it did. Reflux burn and I'm still feeling bloated and swollen ( from the extra salt) and this morning I am way past crabby, I am angry. Angry at EVERYTHING.
I begrudgingly did my normal EFT tapping before I got out of bed and it was a huge effort to not make sarcastic remarks to the emotions that came up during it. I have been doing a 7 minute Brad Yates EFT session on feeling worthy and deserving EVERY SINGLE morning and night before bed now for at least 2 months straight. I still have new things that come up during it and I'm wondering if I am really making internal changes? I know I am, I'm just pissy today.
I didn't allow myself to step on the scale today. I feel like I am sacrificing SO FRICKING MUCH even though I keep ending up cheating on what I intend to eat during this last few days. And yes, sacrificing is the operative word. Is it really worth it to even try to lose weight? I think i am just too far gone, don't have any measurable willpower or self control and let's be honest, is it any wonder why I am as fat as I am? Shit, I can't even make a single day on a diet. I suck.
The little voice inside my head is telling me now that that isn't going to get me better results and attract better things to me with an attitude, feelings or self talk like that. I know. I just feel so angry!!! My poor dogs have been sheepishly staying out of my way since I cussed at my computer and internet connection earlier.
And you know what?? My stupid brain ALREADY is yelling at me to get more bad foods today.. oh, just get it out of your system, it says... no wonder most diets fail. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this, but I sure feel that way. My huge stomach and chest are just so big and in the way and uncomfortable. You'd think THAT alone would be enough to remind me to stay on plan. Nope.
I could do with a round to a punching bag to vent right now. watch out world, the demon wants out today. I'll try to get my head in a better Law of Attraction happy mode later...
Talked myself into it
12:32pm Well I guess that "cheerleader type" last paragraph of that last post worked. I am now sitting here eating a huge bowl of the chia I made last night, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, coconut flakes, and some agave. Is It good? Yes. Is it what I want? No. Will it do to just fill the hole and keep my blood sugar up? Yes.
With the size of the bowl I will keep it here by me as I work and nibble on it all day. The colors are very nice I must admit. I feel good about myself while I think about it. I like the white chia seeds that I used instead of the normal black ones I used before.
Please oh please, keep me from eating SAD food today.
Oh I am working SOOO Hard to focus on things I appreciate, not doing so great
11:31 am
Ok, just to catch up, I only have a few minutes to vent... and share...
Tuesday I made eating all raw food until about 7:30 pm. I was feeling great and feeling proud. I caved and steamed 2 ENTIRE bunches of asparagus and proceeded to eat it until it was gone! It was enough for 3-4 people. I should have been stuffed with all that fiber. I was just pleasantly full. I had eaten so much raw fruit and veg during the day that I should be spending all my spare time on the pottie if you ask me. I guess I should be proud I made it all day vegan, huh? Pffshhaw...
Something I am noticing. Raw foods (aka: NOT laden with fat like the S.A.D. foods I am craving) do NOT stick with me very long. Not physically or emotionally. I feel like I have opened Pandora's box on my negative emotions and my attempts at keeping my mind focused on positive things aint easy right now. I don't even care if aint is a real word or not.. so there.
I also feel like I must be putting out some wacky bad juju on my Law of attraction stuff. Everything ( ok not everything) in my workload is going haywire. It is really bring up some of those old "death-wish depressive" thoughts that used to reign me a couple years ago. I catch them very fast and focus on something I love or appreciate, but just the fact that they keep popping up doesn't make me pleased. They tell me just to give up. Period. This is all too hard. You can't make it. You can't make enough money working for yourself to live on much less pay for a bankruptcy attorney and accountant. Give up. .. well, I just guess I gave those thoughts more energy - oops. I'm hoping that typing them out fast in here will diffuse them.
I am having enough of a battle with the super loud voices telling me that a cheeseburger will fix everything. Shit.
The client who I just finished a website for a week ago is now asking where are all the sales?? I had just submitted them a contract (which they knew was coming) for the ongoing monthly marketing, social media, building links, ads, etc that will bring them traffic, the day before. Didn't I explain traffic needed to be driven there? Shit.
Yesterday I ate watermelon all day till I was stuffed. I had a tasty huge bowl of chia seeds, strawberries and rasberries, then some raw nuts, then raw apples and raw honey and raw almond butter...I just can't seem to feel full on raw foods, WTF is wrong with me??? Is my 355 pound stomach never going to shrink to be happy without fat and grease and cheese ( drooling).
Ok, I peeked, I was down to 351 in 2 days..For that much deprivation I felt like it should be 10 pounds minimum. Am I alone in this?
It got to be 8:30 and I just couldn't take the cheeseburger calling any longer. I saw food on tv too. I decided to at the very least make myself stay at home and cheat there. I don't have the money to got out for food, who am i kidding?? (Crap, there's another lack-focused non-LOA thought. Shit. )
So I nuked myself a nearly-instant plate of the least processed corn tortilla chips I had and dumped shredded cheese all over it with jalapeno peppers. First one was awesome and melty and crunchy ( something you just cant get in raw foods - at least not a REAL crunch like cooked food) . Then as I ate ( and I did finish the whole greasy plate full) I started feeling how they weren't what I wanted and I felt massive regret. I knew I'd be up all night with massive reflux and burning even more of my already damaged throat. I also ate 2 coconut fruit frozen popsicle things and 3 bite size Almond Joys. Shit.
Today it's nearly noon and I haven't eaten anything yet even though a bowl of chia sits ready in the fridge. I feel like giving up. I keep telling myself that I have to do this one meal... no, one hour or minute at a time... I did the treadmill for 5 minutes this morning. I AM getting more steps in every day on my pedometer. I CAN stand up longer now. I DO feel more energy and clarity and lighter moods when i eat raw... keep going... just keep pecking away at it. Over all you ARE eating way better than in the past. And you DID stay home rather than going out to a drive through - THAT is HUGE progress. Now if I can only talk myself into that chia and get my head OFF the thoughts that I don't have money right now past maybe paying my bills... and past the clients who are are being difficult or didn't listen when I explained things from the beginning. I cannot guarantee that a website will get traffic and sales and i did WAY more than they paid me for.... take a big breath, do some EFT tapping... you can do this. Just do one thing at a time. focus. Think of how lucky you are - you have a home, a computer that works, a blog like this to vent on and try to get yourself back in alignment, you have people who love you.. you are a blessed person. things will all wotk out.
Am I buying it? sort of.. back to work...
so much for a short post, I'm not proofreading, too bad, can I stop myself? *rolling eyes* Shit. I like that word today.
I’m not apologizing – this is MY site and I want to vent
Well it's fricking April and I haven't been in here since I don't know when. I'm not apologizing, looking back to see when it was last updated or explaining in detail all at once. If anyone ever reads this, they can just pick up what is going on by what I'm typing now.
I need to vent and type out how I'm feeling in a safe place. Period.
The dog just left the room because I am typing so hard that the keys sound like I am angry. Well I am.
I just did a EFT tapping session with Brad Yates and it helped a little: http://youtu.be/eP1fbbwd2go I'm leaving that browser window open because I think I need to go back and redo it when I'm not crying so much.
I am TRYING to eat all raw today. I am pissed because I can't turn to comfort food to make me feel better because of that goal. My God, I am SUCH an addict. Cooked foods might as well be crack for me. I am one P-O'd bi-otch right now. It is easier to simply stop eating. Now my eyes are blurry.
On top of that, I am in the middle of writing a custom website maintenance and marketing contract for a client who I just finished my first ever ecommerce site for. OMG!! I am a fricking graphic designer for the last 20 years - I am NOT a lawyer who writes contracts!! No wonder I procrastinated in this for so long!! It is NO wonder that I am lame at writing this damn contract. I have now spent the entire day writing a 4 page contract. How much per hour is THIS gaining me? RIDICULOUS!!! I found a bunch of contracts online and I am melding/rewriting them to fit what I am wanting to do for this client. I am a fairly new website creator anyway (except for WordPress which I am medium at) and I seem to have a real knack for SEO and driving traffic to sites or events (if I put in the time), who said I would be any good at making up a contract?? Heck, you should be able to do it.. I did all the copywriting for the website and every single product on it, why can't I just get this scary-as-hell-thing done??? They probably wont even read it.
(PS I AM TIRED of hiding everything about my life/self on this site - when I used to write in here, it was always edit, edit edit, now I want to FLOW as freely as I can and still stay anonymous).
I am also VERY scared of putting prices on different levels of services they can choose from. I vacillate between valuing my skills too much (what my iside voice tells me) to putting such a low price on them (especially when I am nearly broke). I charge a normal hourly rate consistent with my skill level and then I am so focused on giving too much away for free that I attract clients who believe exactly what I think about myself and reinforce my own inner contradictions. My eyes are blurry from crying. My legs are crampy from sitting too much for the last few days.
And now I'm sitting here thinking what lovely &%$#@%&$ I will attract by allowing myself to dive into this crappy state of mind.
Wahhhhhhhhhh. Call the wambulance. You big baby, get a grip. No one can write this for you ... unless you pay someone and you can't afford that right now and you are already 3 days late getting this to them anyway. So there. Just do it.
My GOD a big fat cheeseburger would make this all better. NO!!!!!!!! You have 20 days of your thyroid & cholesterol medications left and you told yourself that you would try and lose some weight before you have to go see the doctor. I quit taking the diabetic med when it ran out last, I was testing my blood all the time and when I ate right it stayed under 100 easily. Now I've been off of it for a couple months it is no difference - I was borderline anyway... excuses excuses.
Who am I kidding?? I don't have the money to go see a doctor and get new refills on my meds. Not having insurance sucks. I also don't have the $250 it's going to cost to go to the doctor and get the bloodwork done that I have been putting off for 1 year and a half to save money.
Some news you need to know. Since I was last in here, I filed for bankruptcy. I am not going back to work in cubicle land, and I am going to make my own business work even if it means having to write &^$%#%& contracts like this myself. Remember, having a cubicle job doesn't really guarantee that you are secure... remember all the people laid off when you were still there?? Very sad. Anyway, ALL of my extra money is going to pay for the lawyer and the accountant I also need to get my taxes straightened out with the IRS. Lovely. And it all has to happen at once and ASAP.
I had been in a 4-year debt repayment program and I made it halfway through while working for myself. that's commendable right? (Trying to convince myself). But when I ran through what was left in my IRA and savings, I had to give in. Now with the small amount I am bringing in monthly, I am giving in and filing bankruptcy. It is embarrassing, especially for someone who believes in and promotes Law of Attraction like I do. What a lame representative I am.
I need to get my head back on a better focus. Get higher on the emotional scale. If I focus on something I love and appreciate that always works. I am having a hard time getting into that head space. Come on, you can do it. Going to find the dog to have a cuddle hug.
Abraham would tell me to go take a nap if I can't get my head in a better place.
All I want is a dang cheeseburger. This bowl of chia seeds, strawberries and raspberries just doesn't seem appealing to me no matter how good it is for me... wahhhhhhhh.
Remember how yesterday you made it until 8 pm on raw and then you caved in and made potatoes with cheese & ketchup?? Was it that good? NO. Remember how much your throat burned all night with reflux? Remember how little real sleep you got? Remember how your throat whistles when you breathe deeply because it is so fried from reflux?? Does the chia stuff sound better now?? Think about it.
C'mon, you are smarter than this, right? Does the addict craving voice have to win again today?
Goddess of fertility
I just caught site of myself sitting in my work chair in my floor-length 3-way mirror - naked before jumping into the shower - and it hit me. My body shape looks EXACTLY like one of those ancient carved rock fertility dolls you see in ancient history museums.
I have been doing some exercises of appreciation and release that were instructed my my new angel friend, so I just appreciated the fact that I have a body shape just like the ones used to symbolize fertility. Interesting. Weird thought, but very true.
TMI? maybe, but its MY blog LOL
Time to be a better friend to myself
I haven't had the courage to start posting again in here until now. Not that Anyone reads this but even for myself.
I don't do New Year's resolutions. This just feels like I am ready to give it a go again. Mainly to be a better friend to myself, to love and respect myself more and to honor who I am, right now, no matter what is F'd up in my life. This is where I'm at and until I'm ok and appreciative of that, I wont attract better.
Anyway, just to catch you up with this past couple weeks:
- I currently weigh 347.6 pounds. It shocks even me to realize that I am still hovering at a lower weight than my highest (362.8?) ( will double check later). Maybe something I am doing is working even though of course, I still beat up on myself daily for all the "should haves...". I do seem to ( more of the time) catch those and just say NO to them and am still working very diligently ( most days) at reprogramming my habitual thoughts. Thinking brain plasticity as I type that...
- I started back with my life coach again last Saturday after a long break over the holidays. I also turned a year older since I last posted. I am now 49 years old. Goog God that is a big number, I guess I never thought I'd really live to be that old. Apologies to those of you older, if anyone reads this, but the way I have lived my life was not with the mission of living a healthy long lifetime. In fact, it's almost as if I had a deathwish.
- In the last 4 days, I have been on the treadmill every day for 5-6 minutes each time.
- I treadmill with no tv or music on and I visualize the whole time with my eyes closed and holding the handles so I don't fall off. I actually ( for you Abraham fans/LOA) get myself in the vortex in the first few minutes then I start thinking of what I would feel like if I was actually having all the things and circumstances I want in my life - RIGHT NOW.
- I just went down my back porch steps WITHOUT holding the hand rail for the first time in s LONG time. That is actually what made me want to come in here and type it out.
- I have been writing about my foods and moods on my icalendar some of the time since I last wrote in here.
- I am STILL having periods, even though they are REALLY weird, so my theory about starting menopause was wrong. maybe peri-menopause? I was having periods for nearly 3 weeks straight for a while there, I thought when that stopped that I'd be done. But nope.
- In December I met a sweet lady who does angel readings and I have since started believing I have angels around me and spirits of people I loved who have passed on who also are around me sometimes - all protecting and helping me. My main guardian angels name is Serena and she adores me and thinks I am wonderful. Knowing that and having the opportunity to ask questions about and to them when I remember to gives me a great sense of peace. I also have enjoyed feeling like I can now talk to Jerry Hicks since he has passed on. I hope Esther knows I till send her my prayers, her/Abe's letter about Jerry's passing gave me such a lovely new way to think about death and passing on.
- I am still adding as much raw food and juices as I can. Some days better than others. And some days are stellar... and how I feel physically and emotionally reflects exactly the quality of what I put in my own mouth to eat. I've been eating a lot of (I'm comparing to what I think the "normal" American eats) green juices, grapefruits & fruits, salads (still using real dressing and a few croutons and a small amount of the least processed meat I can afford).
- I am doing my level best to ONLY eat home-cooked, from scratch foods. I am occasionally allowing myself some corn tortilla chips that are about the best quality I can afford and don't have more than 4 ingredients. I am VERY slowly transitioning away from fast foods and any kind if drive thru anything. I was allowing myself to have some spoons of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia on occasion and I seemed to have gotten rid of some of the "magic allure" of even that in the last few weeks. Main thing is, I am trying to steer clear of anything prepared, canned, boxed or packaged in any way I can. Doing pretty good, not perfect but WAY better than before. An event I will elaborate on more later, but I need to get back to work now...
Anyway, I think I will be back in here some more for a while. I need to hear from myself more. I need to love myself more. I CAN do this G-damn-it.
Welcome back, me.
Recipe: Raw Fruit Comfort Bowl, a Fast & Lazy Treat
Recipe: Raw Fruit Comfort Bowl
Raw Fruit Comfort Bowl:
1 large container fresh blueberries
1 large container fresh strawberries, cut up slightly
fresh grated coconut or unsweetened grated (if that is all you have like I did)
Chia seeds ( I just dumped some, didn't measure)
Liquid Stevia or Raw Agave to taste
Water - enough for the chia seeds to soak up
Mix all together and if you can wait (I couldn't) let it sit for 10-15 minutes for the chia to absorb the water.
Fast, easy, and very tasty.
Not ready to comment about being gone, just posting a recipe
I'm typing in here, that's enough of a small step for me today. Hormones getting the best of me today but I need to get this down so I can make it again.
nuff said for now. Recipe next.